I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
