in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
