Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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