can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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