Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize