Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
