I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
