his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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