I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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