This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
