i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
