She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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