You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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