remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
