I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
