Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
