There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
