i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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