careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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