I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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