i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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