I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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