I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He felt like a one man threesome
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
