Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
