Is it because I queefed?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
