Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
