we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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