She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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