Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize