R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize