eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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