Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
