just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
