I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
