Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
