I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize