Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
