Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
