If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
