Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
