i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
