The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
