just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
