I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
