note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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