were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
