Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
