just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
