I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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