it was like his penis was on wheels.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
