Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
even my farts smell like vagina
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
