On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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