I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
