i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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