I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
