theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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