I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
