I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
