it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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