I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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