I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
