Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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