You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
