I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
