I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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