I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize