yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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