2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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