Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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