everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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