he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
